Family Secrets, Part 3

THE SECOND PHASE OF RECOVERY: MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL
The process of understanding why the secret behavior happened and what it means about the partners, their relationship, and their future begins the process of recovering from the shock of the secret.
In Roger and Stacy’s case, they agreed to an interim agreement in which Stacy would limit contact with the affair partner while they worked in couples counseling for 3 months with the goal of reconsidering the long-term viability of their marriage at the end of this time period. Unlike Roger and Stacy, some partners may feel that they want to end the relationship (or move into quick and unprocessed “forgive and forget”) at this point.  I generally encourage partners to withhold decisions about the future of the relationship until they have processed, explored and understood the meaning of the secret.
An examination of the factors, both inside and outside of the relationship, which contributed to the problem behavior, help couples uncover the meaning of the secret.  Both thoughts and feelings are shared as the couple explores together what has occurred and why. 
The following types of questions about what the secret meant to each of them are explored.

1.What were you searching for in the secret behavior?

2. What was gained from the secret?

3. How did engaging in the secret affect the betrayer?

4. How was the betrayer different when involved in the secret behavior?

5. How did the betrayer justify their behavior? 

6. What is the connection, if any,  between the secret behavior and the relationship?

7.How did the betrayer integrate the secret into the rest of their lives?

8. How did the betrayer cope with the lying and what did they tell themselves to make that OK?

9. Did the betrayer hope their partner would find out?  How did they each partner feel when the secret was revealed?

10. Do you think the secret and the understanding of it could benefit our relationship?

11. What permanent effects will there be for the individual partners and the relationship because of this?

It is usually at the end of this stage of understanding that partners can see the “big picture” and decide to recommit or end the relationship.

When Stacy realized that she was looking for greater emotional connection and less power struggles in her affair, she was able to see that her desire to return to her old relationship with Roger was not possible. However, she was willing to begin a new one with him.  Roger was also able to see what he was missing in the marriage and was willing to work on improving their connection. After this process of exploration, Stacy decided to end the affair and recommitted to her marriage.  
To Be Continued...

Secrets- Part 2

THE FIRST PHASE OF RECOVERY:  GETTING INFORMATION

The first therapy appointment in which the couple will deal with the discovery of the secret begins the first phase of treatment for the problem. The therapist structures a safe, calm, and supportive disclosure session where there is a conversation between the professional counselor and the couple.

In a structured disclosure therapy session, the counselor can moderate the discussion with the goal of providing information that will help the couple understand their situation and help them heal.  The betrayed partner is helped to clarify his or her goals and determine which details they need and want to know. Some betrayed partners want to know everything; others want to know very little or just want to know the behavior has stopped.  

In affairs or sex addiction, most counselors advise against telling all the details until there has been a chance to discuss how knowing these details will impact them.  Therapists discourage disclosure of specifics (e.g. locations, type of sexual activity) because it can cause increased pain, obsessive rumination, and reactivity. For example, passing a hotel where a person acted out or met an affair partner will trigger a recurrence of negative feelings and distress.

THE PROCESS OF DISCLOSURE

In Roger and Stacy’s disclosure session, Stacy described what general behavior had occurred with her and her affair partner, how it began, and how long it had been going on.  She told him that no one but her best friend knew about the affair.  She told Roger that she was not ready to give up the affair, but she also wasn’t ready to end the marriage.

Disclosure is an important task for the couple because it is the beginning of honest communication and resumption of trust and intimacy.  As painful as it is for the couple, it breaks the silence of the secret, it ends the lying, and allows for an honest examination of what actually happened and what needs to happen to move forward. The betrayer can reveal information while taking responsibility for the betrayal without blaming others.

Couples may cover the following in a disclosure:

1. Broad outline of the problem behavior
2. How long the behavior has been going on
3. The risks involved (e.g. STD’s, credit loss)
4. Legal issues (e.g. warrants for arrest, court actions, children from affair, fraud)
5. Who was involved? Who else knows about the secret?
6. Whether the behavior has stopped, or if it continues, in what way?

The betrayed may generate a list of questions in addition to the ones above that provide the basic information needed to understand the general scope of the problem.  More specific questions about the reasons for and meaning of the secret are explored in the second phase of the recovery.

Unfortunately, the betrayer may not be able to give the whole truth because of the shame and fear or because they may not even remember all the details.  Betrayers can often be skilled at compartmentalization, or the ability to separate one part of their lives from other parts, and have learned to detach and avoid thinking about their transgressions. Shame leads to emotional numbness and hiding, which means that specific details and memories of behavior may actually be forgotten. 

Even though the betrayer may not remember everything at the time of the initial disclosure, staggered disclosure should be avoided as it tends to be re-traumatizing for the betrayed. New information revealed later damages the fragile developing trust and creates doubt about whether the complete truth has been told and whether there is still more to come.  Each new disclosure can feel like starting all over.  

To be continued....