Family Secrets, Part 3

THE SECOND PHASE OF RECOVERY: MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL
The process of understanding why the secret behavior happened and what it means about the partners, their relationship, and their future begins the process of recovering from the shock of the secret.
In Roger and Stacy’s case, they agreed to an interim agreement in which Stacy would limit contact with the affair partner while they worked in couples counseling for 3 months with the goal of reconsidering the long-term viability of their marriage at the end of this time period. Unlike Roger and Stacy, some partners may feel that they want to end the relationship (or move into quick and unprocessed “forgive and forget”) at this point.  I generally encourage partners to withhold decisions about the future of the relationship until they have processed, explored and understood the meaning of the secret.
An examination of the factors, both inside and outside of the relationship, which contributed to the problem behavior, help couples uncover the meaning of the secret.  Both thoughts and feelings are shared as the couple explores together what has occurred and why. 
The following types of questions about what the secret meant to each of them are explored.

1.What were you searching for in the secret behavior?

2. What was gained from the secret?

3. How did engaging in the secret affect the betrayer?

4. How was the betrayer different when involved in the secret behavior?

5. How did the betrayer justify their behavior? 

6. What is the connection, if any,  between the secret behavior and the relationship?

7.How did the betrayer integrate the secret into the rest of their lives?

8. How did the betrayer cope with the lying and what did they tell themselves to make that OK?

9. Did the betrayer hope their partner would find out?  How did they each partner feel when the secret was revealed?

10. Do you think the secret and the understanding of it could benefit our relationship?

11. What permanent effects will there be for the individual partners and the relationship because of this?

It is usually at the end of this stage of understanding that partners can see the “big picture” and decide to recommit or end the relationship.

When Stacy realized that she was looking for greater emotional connection and less power struggles in her affair, she was able to see that her desire to return to her old relationship with Roger was not possible. However, she was willing to begin a new one with him.  Roger was also able to see what he was missing in the marriage and was willing to work on improving their connection. After this process of exploration, Stacy decided to end the affair and recommitted to her marriage.  
To Be Continued...