Secrets- Part 1

I recently appeared on a local news program about "family secrets."  It had been over 20 years since I last appeared on a news show, and my prior experience was kind of distressing.  During that show so many years ago, I had a kind of brain freeze, and it surprised me.  I've managed to avoid media appearances since then, but when I was asked to appear on this local program, I decided to try again but this time I would put my ideas in writing to avoid the strange and embarrassing sensation of not knowing what to say. I'm going to post my prepared notes in this blog, but due to its length, I will plan on presenting it in about 3 segments.  This is the first of the three.

We all have secrets. Sometimes they are necessary.  They can be part of the normal need for privacy or part of protecting ourselves or others from personal or emotional harm. Yet when your secret involves meeting an affair partner at a hotel, sneaking away to view internet pornography, or covertly spending thousands of dollars you can’t afford on luxury items, your secret is no longer harmless.  In fact, your secret has the potential to cause great pain and suffering to both you and others, and those kids of secrets should not remain hidden.

Through the case example of a couple I will call “Roger” and “Stacy,” I’m going to describe for you: 1) the ways in which secrets are revealed, 2). How couples deal with secrets, and 3). How couples can recover from these secrets and repair their relationships for good.

HOW THE SECRET IS REVEALED

 Roger noticed that Stacy was staying later at her new job than her usual working hours, and that she made excuses when Roger offered to pick her up at her workplace. When he showed up unexpectedly to take her to lunch one day, she was on an extended lunch break with a co-worker.  When asked her about the co-worker, Stacy became defensive and evasive and accused Roger of being “controlling.”  Roger noticed that Stacy was not wearing her wedding band at work and when he asked her why, she stated that it was getting in the way of lifting boxes at her job- an explanation that made no sense to Roger and left him confused and increasingly suspicious.  When he asked further questions, she got angry and refused to discuss his concerns, calling him “paranoid.” He began to secretly check her cell phone logs and saw repeated calls to a phone number he did not recognize.  He dialed the number on the phone, and when a man answered, “Hey Baby, is he gone?” Roger’s worst fears were realized. When he confronted Stacy with what he heard, she admitted that she was having an “emotional” relationship with her co-worker, but that they had not had sex.

Just as Roger accidentally discovered his wife’s affair by calling an unknown phone number, a family secret is usually discovered accidentally, perhaps by a computer screen left up or unpaid bills or statements found hidden in a drawer. Some partners have suspicions before they encounter evidence and deliberately go looking, like Roger did, but usually the discovery comes with little to no warning. 

Betrayed partners vary in how much they suspect or know about the betrayal. Some are completely unaware, while others notice cues that they overlook or ignore.  Some who notice these cues, however, start putting pieces together, and will begin to investigate, as Roger did. Some partners are persistent in tracking down information, even to the point of hiring private detectives, installing surveillance equipment, and hiring consultants to analyze computer files. 

Just as Stacy made excuses for abandoning her wedding band and coming home late from work, other people show signs that create suspicion, such as:

·         Unusual or increased demands for privacy.

·         Unwillingness to discuss certain kinds of information.

·         Schedule changes

·         Changes in personal habits or interests.

 The bottom line is that there is a continuum of knowledge with complete unawareness on one end and obvious clues and firm evidence on the other end.

Regardless of where one falls on the continuum of knowing about the betrayal, the betrayed usually experience extreme dismay when the secret is discovered or suspicions confirmed. In Roger and Stacy’s case, Roger reacted with rage at his wife’s admission.  He wanted to confront the affair partner and report the affair to their manager at work.  He wanted to call his and her family and tell them about the betrayal.  He was hurt and angry and wanting to work things out with her all at once.  She was scared and guilty and wanted to be left alone.  They were both riding an emotional roller coaster.  

Some may not feel as angry as Roger did. Some partners may even feel relief that they know the truth. However, almost all partners, both betrayers and the betrayed,  experience the discovery as a personal and relationship crisis. 

To be continued....