Family Secrets: Part 4 - Conclusion

 
THE THIRD PHASE OF RECOVERY: TRUST BUILDING, ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS AND ENVISIONING THE FUTURE
The third stage of the relationship is about moving forward and creating a vision for the relationship in the future. Frequently, recovery from the secret creates an opportunity for establishing new and better communication, greater depth of intimacy, and more satisfying connection.  The partners work on finding ways to create the kind of relationship they envision and long for.  It is at this stage that the betrayed partner will frequently work through the process of trust and forgiveness.
Initially, Roger continued to check Stacy’s cell phone logs and insisted he pick her up from work several times a week.  Because she agreed to complete transparency, Roger gradually stopped checking on her.  More importantly, their discussions and deep sharing allowed them both to see real differences in the way they related to each other, which provided the most compelling proof that they were secure in their connection. Even though Roger and Stacy became more open, Roger also had to accept that there will never be 100% certainty that he wouldn’t be hurt again. Most people experience the loss of illusion about absolute trust, and find a healthy balance between trust and self-protection
Accepting the loss of complete trust, and accepting that there will be permanent changes in both partners as a result of the secret and its revelation is part of this phase of recovery. Both partners work on sharing their softer feelings of vulnerability. The betrayer needs to express his or her experience of anger and loss and the betrayer must be able to hear the partner’s emotional experience without collapsing into shame so he or she can validate and soothe the betrayed partner’s feelings. This process can be a long and difficult one. 
The process of forgiveness is a transaction between the two partners in which forgiveness is earned, resentments decrease, and the partners form a “new” relationship.  Forgiveness is not a one-time occurrence, but rather a process of experiencing the partner as a safe and secure person who is actively engaged in supporting the vision of a healthy relationship. It is out of the ashes of the fallen relationship that a new relationship can be imagined and built.